plastic sandwich

I once saw a play called “The Man with the Plastic Sandwich”. At the time, I was very young and didn’t know how much truth there really was to the story line. We go through this life looking for some thing to proud about ourselves, wanting others to like us and be with us. So afraid to be ourselves that we invent a person that we think others will like, maybe even love. Then we do what ever it takes to become that person. Never giving the real us a chance to be liked or loved for who we really are. Walls are built to shield the world from who we are, because if anyone saw us, really saw us there is no way they would understand us, except us, or even like us. Day after day we spend all our energy to present our invention to the world. Although there are parts of the real us in this invention, it is but a diluted, watered down version of ourselves. While we may find happiness with someone they still haven’t seen the real us. We may even fall in love and receive love, but who is really receiving the love? The real us or our invention? Love is a funny thing it can bear and survive just about anything except being false. Coming to theses realization leaves us feeling more alone than ever before and more convinced that our true self isn’t worthy of love to begin with. There is always the hope that someone will see through the invention, that they will call the real us to the surface. Breaking down the walls to let the real self out. Showing that we are loveable and we don’t have to be anything other than what we truly are.
Living with all the lies and deceit eats away all that might once have been good in us. Fear keeps us from being free. This prison is self imposed. How did things get so messed up? Who taught us that we were un-loveable? Who taught us to be so judgmental of ourselves and others? Why do we think others are judging us? Why does it matter?
In the play the man packs his lunch everyday, leaves his home and goes to the park. He has lost his job and is afraid to tell his wife. To save himself embarrassment of afraid of losing her love he pretends that his life has not changed.
How many times have you avoided telling someone the truth because you were afraid it would change how they would see you?
I once met a man that from the first moment I met him, I felt my world turn on its ear. Everything shifted before there were words exchanged between us. For the first time I thought that someone had seen through my walls, and invention. Some how seeing the real me.
I let myself believe that. I thought that I had done the same for him. Saw a little of what was inside, but it seems that I was wrong. He saw nothing in me and me to see nothing in him. How freeing it could have been to put down this invention, to tear down the walls and let my true self be seen. To have someone in my life that didn’t buy into the presented false front.