plastic sandwich

I once saw a play called “The Man with the Plastic Sandwich”. At the time, I was very young and didn’t know how much truth there really was to the story line. We go through this life looking for some thing to proud about ourselves, wanting others to like us and be with us. So afraid to be ourselves that we invent a person that we think others will like, maybe even love. Then we do what ever it takes to become that person. Never giving the real us a chance to be liked or loved for who we really are. Walls are built to shield the world from who we are, because if anyone saw us, really saw us there is no way they would understand us, except us, or even like us. Day after day we spend all our energy to present our invention to the world. Although there are parts of the real us in this invention, it is but a diluted, watered down version of ourselves. While we may find happiness with someone they still haven’t seen the real us. We may even fall in love and receive love, but who is really receiving the love? The real us or our invention? Love is a funny thing it can bear and survive just about anything except being false. Coming to theses realization leaves us feeling more alone than ever before and more convinced that our true self isn’t worthy of love to begin with. There is always the hope that someone will see through the invention, that they will call the real us to the surface. Breaking down the walls to let the real self out. Showing that we are loveable and we don’t have to be anything other than what we truly are.
Living with all the lies and deceit eats away all that might once have been good in us. Fear keeps us from being free. This prison is self imposed. How did things get so messed up? Who taught us that we were un-loveable? Who taught us to be so judgmental of ourselves and others? Why do we think others are judging us? Why does it matter?
In the play the man packs his lunch everyday, leaves his home and goes to the park. He has lost his job and is afraid to tell his wife. To save himself embarrassment of afraid of losing her love he pretends that his life has not changed.
How many times have you avoided telling someone the truth because you were afraid it would change how they would see you?
I once met a man that from the first moment I met him, I felt my world turn on its ear. Everything shifted before there were words exchanged between us. For the first time I thought that someone had seen through my walls, and invention. Some how seeing the real me.
I let myself believe that. I thought that I had done the same for him. Saw a little of what was inside, but it seems that I was wrong. He saw nothing in me and me to see nothing in him. How freeing it could have been to put down this invention, to tear down the walls and let my true self be seen. To have someone in my life that didn’t buy into the presented false front.

I think of you tonight as I lay in bed alone. Thoughts of our last encounter fill my head. The memory of your touch is ever present. One hand on the back of my neck and then other on the small of my back. You pull me in close. Your lips kissing me starting at my neck and working their way down. With every touch, I feel your desire for my body. I long to feel your touch again.

The Hardest question to answer

I use to think the hardest question to answer was “So, when are you two going to start a family” Everyone has their own cute way of avoiding the real answer like;
Practice makes prefect.
We are working on getting it right.
We are leaving it up to God.
All in due time.
Those kinds of answers get people to laugh or change the subject. The question I find the hardest to answer now is “Why did you get divorced?” First of all someone who is ballsie enough to come out and ask isn’t usually willing to except a flip standard subject changing answer. Honesty is the best policy, but I honestly don't know what possessed him to fill. Now that's a lie. I have the parting words, the reasons he from months of therapy together. I just don't like how they sound and seem less valid some how if it takes a third party to probe them out of you. He said it was too stressful trying to keep up with my sexual needs. I wasn't even in my peak back then. Who knew wanting to be close with you partner once a week was asking too much. He said that he could see me being happy with someone else. Of course he could, I'm the glass half full kind of person - making the best of whatever life throws at me, always looking for a reason to be happy. He said, "I know you don't love me or you would have already let me go." What kind of crap is that? I didn't even know he was unhappy with his life, until he moved out. To share any of those reason with someone who asks "why did you get divorced?" It’s too painful, too shameful, empty of real reason and always followed by more questions.
I have to find a way to protect myself from the hurt, and humiliation of being left. If only there where one thing I could say that would deflect all this back on him to some how make me feel better. It is a lie, but it works.
The answer to the hardest question, "Why did you get divorced?"
He decided he is gay.

There are stories to tell, I'm sure there are. About lost children, magical cats and secert worlds. Maybe even a love story, too. I'll talk about how and why i started writing, who have been my biggest supportors. The dreams that have given me story lines. Charators from my life that make way into the stories. What about the small battles in my personal life? Surely that could be something that could be of value? Those that,are facing brain tumors might find hope in my story.
Why can't you see that I have many things of value to offer? Why are you so sure no one will want to hear what I have to say?
when you're gone, unable to control my every move, beat me down, tell me I'm dumb. I will stand up and tell about you. Your crazy twisted vie of what marriage is, that love is controling and that if its not you way then its wrong. In the end it will be because of you that I cling to this dream so hard.
so maybe, I wont be famos. That's ok. But I want to be heard, not by just you. By aanyone that,might take a chance that what I have to say matters. It will set me free.

It amazes to me the number of people that want to complain about stuff instead of fix the the problem. I work with a bunch that complain a lot of the time, but when you ask them how they would make it better they shut down and become unable to think of anything except what has made them upset. Supose its the cant see forest for the trees thing. The other thing my co-workers do is they complain about having to do all the work themselves. When you offer to help out or try to help out they, they say they dont need my help. So why complain about having to do it all if you wont let anyone help? I just dont get that. I'm sure that every work place has people like this I just dont understand why we cant all just be Adults and do what it takes to get the job done? But then again what would I have to complain about if everyone did that? (Tee hee hee) i think i should really consider the self employment idea. Then i could choose who works with me, and not have to deal with a bunch of complainers.

So I think that I have got the moble blogging thing figured out. Its really offical now - the low tech has gone high tech and living by the cell phone. Or at least it is now my concection to the web, posting blog, social net working and what ever else i can find to do with it. So i guess this means for.my friends less random texts about what is going on in my world. Those that have recieved a text at midnight are now thankful for high tech gaggets.

Did you ever have one of those days where from the time you get up in the morning all you can do is sing, dance, smile and laugh? Yesterday was one of those days for me. I had to work one of my many jobs in morning. It was crazy busy and the customers were grating, but I found myself sing and dancing all over the store. I couldn't help myself. Normally, at the end of my shift I am tired and want to spend some quality time on the sofa or a nap. Not yesterday though. I went home started some laundry, changed my clothes and went to a car show with a friend. There were so many beautiful cars there!! Met some guys. Talked with the Camero club members. I think that I will be joining them. I am so jazzed to do more work on my car now. I had dinner with friends and then went cruising in a pack of cobras. I am not a ford girl but after my ride last night I could be converted. (Hope my Chevy friends aren't reading this.) It was just a great day. I stayed up way too late and really didn't want to leave then but seeing as I had to work this morning before the but crack of dawn, I had to get a little rest before this 10 hour shift. I should be dragging this morning, but I'm not. Natural high doesn't even begin to cover it. Maybe it is because I had such an awesome week. My team at work set a record and first this week. I became senior person in my position which comes with a few perks. The man that has had me wheeling, has finally lost some control over me. Or maybe its that I have regained my control of self. Either way, I feel very empowered. I can't say enough good things about how I feel and how yesterday was for me. I love how it makes me feel just thinking about it. I want to know how to make it happen for me like that on regular bases. It may be one of the mystery, but at least I can say I had that one day and it was totally awesome. Thanks to all that were a part of it and thanks be to all that went into making it happen for me.