Island of misfit toys

I feel I really belong on the island of misfit toys. I am broken, damage and no longer in normal working order. My guess is that others might fill this way too. It will take someone very special to be understanding of my faults and that although I look strong, I am fragile. I want to be ok. To be able to let go of this damage, pain and broken heart. It has been suggested to me that in order to move forward in my life I have to release the anger, acknowledge the hurts, damages and even a broken heart, greave the loss and forgive.

I have been stuck so long in the anger stage, it has become my trusted friend. It's an easy feeling to live with, just a little fanning and you get flames. Flames that fuel you to move, to talk about and bill walls so no one can hurt me again. Maybe part of the reason I haven't moved passed the anger, is I would have to admit I was present for all the injustice against me. I let it happen by not objecting to it. Never mind that at the time could not see the injustices and the spin that was put on it was just right. It might be that I'm angry at him for treating me the way he did but also angry with myself for letting it happen.

I hurt so bad already I think acknowledging and feeling the hurt and broken heart might be more than I can take. To look at each of my wounds, how deep he cut me, and how I am letting those scares effect my approach to life and interaction with other people. I have been holding that pain at arms length, I have acted strong because I had to. There was no one that I could truly lean on for strength and support. Once I go down the rabbit hole, How do I get out?

Even if I let go of my anger and acknowledge the hurt, forgiveness is a huge thing. Apparently, I did not truly understand forgiveness. I recently heard that forgive is not for the person who committed the offense but for the person who had the offense committed on. So, the forgiveness I need to seek is from me for me. I have to forgive myself: for choosing the path that lead to so much hurt; for allowing myself to put up with it in the name of love; for believe what he said was the truth. The list goes on and on. How do you start to forgive yourself for the offenses of others? I don't know.

If that's what it takes to feel normal and un-damaged, I don't know that I will reach that state...I guess me and the other misfits will have to find a way to love each other as we are.

The sign that greets new comers to the island...

Welcome Misfits, if you have not been gently used, or treated with care, have flaws or damage beyond repair. Let this island be your new home.

Prophets

I was in the bath as the song played, "...I don't practice sangria, don't got no crystal ball..." The thought comes to me that members of my family that are christian would put you down or tell you that you are going to hell for having or working with a crystal ball. It is my belief that many christians share this view. Why is it that fortune telling is no longer embraced? There are stories through out the Bible of prophets for telling of things to come. Isn't that what it prophet means? Why was it ok for them and not for us? Did I miss the memo from God, that stated there will never be another prophet? Why is it bad?

Side thought: The Bible is a great starting point for Christians, but hasn't there been things in the last 2000 years of so that should have been recorded and shared. I find it funny that each region has its own starting book but no continuing books that are agreed upon across the board by all of that faith. Each have there one or two universal agreed upon truths and the rest depends on what sub group you talk with. For instance, some baptist believe dancing is a sin.

Do I believe there can be false prophets? Yes, but that does not mean that all prophets are. I believe true fortune telling is a gift from God. I don't believe that the devil has the same power as God. In my mind only God can give gifts. The Devil can twist someone with a gift until they do the work of evil with their gift. Fine line and splitting hairs I know. Someone with the gift can bring hope and guidance to the lost or lead them further away from God. The beautiful thing is we all have a choice, about everything. Options aren't always what we want, but there is always a choice to be made.

The Me I once knew

I miss the me I once knew
Carefree, impulsive, free spirited soul
Fearless and strong
In my world world no bigger than a fish bowl

Never satisfied with my small space
Seeing the edges and bounders I knew
I pushed past the limits
I watched as my world grew

It grew so fast and so big
things were out of control
I was have asleep when
I found myself playing a new role

Funny how I could miss myself
we are together all the time
It comes from people pulling and pushing
telling me my line.

One day, I woke up as a stranger
I'm looking for some help
to find the me I once knew
I want her for myself

Suddenly things were strange
I found myself in the sea
With each wave that came in
Out went a little piece of me

Replaces piece by piece
I found a new me in my place
Scared, depressed and closed down
Was that brownie laced?

People thought they still knew me
I want to call the FBI
They would know the truth of
Who could have stolen the me inside?

Funny how I could miss myself
we are together all the time
It comes from people pulling and pushing
telling me my line

Clean the house
Watch your mouth
Give to others
Meet your new brothers
Was the car
Get out of that bar

One day I woke up as a stranger
I'm looking for some help
to find the me I once knew
And to keep her for myself.

What does enough feel like?

I wonder what being enough would feel like. That when I showed up, I was enough. If there where no "if only"s there to point out how much I am not enough. Lets face it most days I am not enough for myself (that inner critic is always there to point it out), So how can I expect to be enough for someone else.

I recently posted this on my a social media site, where my friends and family began to tell me how Wonderful I am and how not to let others opinions make me think negative thoughts. For me it wasn't about being upset that someone else pointed out flaws or short comings or even negative thoughts of my own about me. It is about this desire to know what being enough feels like. What does that stillness feel like? What does that confidence feel like? I don't know what other feelings come with the feeling of enough but I am sure there are more than just those two.

My "Monkey brain" seems to be going a mile a minute all the time. When I lay down at night to go to sleep, my mind replays the day and then adds in things I should have done differently. Sometimes two or three options per situation. I have trouble sleeping as my "Monkey brain" is over active. I call it monkey brain as it seem to me it's like watching the monkeys at the zoo, at one end of the inclosure one moment and then at the other the next and back again. Suppose it could be "dog brain" and every new thought is a squirrel that needs to be chased. At any rate, mind runs a lot, in fact if my body ran like my mind I would be lean and strong. My "monkey brain" also likes to think, over analyze what's coming up tomorrow, and what needs to be done.

I was looking for a word or group of words to really describe it, and the only thing that keeps popping in is "fear". Fear is a big plague and I am sad to say, a controller of me more than I like. The fear of not being enough, drives me to try harder. I don't want to be seen as someone not carrying her own weight, so I'll take on more than I should or need to. Afraid that someone will look at me and say, "Who does she think she is fooling?" Most days it is me and my monkey brain telling me that I need to be more (as if trying to be more will make the fear go away). Think of when you where a child and feared something like monsters in the closet or under the bed or thunder and lighting that came with storms. Even when the adults would turn on the lights and look under the bed or in the closet with you, it did not make the fear less. it changed the fear from being afraid of monster to be afraid that the adult would tell you how silly you were for being afraid of stuff the proved was not there already,or fear of no being a big kid in their eyes, or some other kind of fear. Alas that is where I am at. So desperate for someone to notice that I am good and do what I should and i carry my load, living in fear that all my efforts are not enough.

I do yoga for many reasons but one is to quite my mind. there are days yoga helps me with this and there are those days my monkey brain is not giving up without a fight. Somedays mediation works and somedays not so much. This fight is internal for me. I try not to care what others think of me. I don't alter my appearance to impress (make up, fine close or the latest hair styles) and I don't need that to feel good about myself.

I what to know what enough feels like. I want to feel at peace when I go to bed at night. That what I did today was enough. That my inner critic for once was quite, well maybe not totally quite. I want my inner critic to say to me "Well done, you could not have done that better" and then it could be quite.

Maybe then I would sleep.

What if the story of the tower of Babel was missing some key pieces?

The story in the christian bible is very short, not even a full chapter on it, just 9 verses lacking in real detail. You can tell there were no reports/historians there that day. What if when the people were made to talk different languages, that part of the history/truth about God and us was lost? Each language only remembering part of the truth, and that which they could not remember was erased from their records of history.

What if in each of the world religions there is a truth about God we are suppose to know? Even in the non-religion of the atheists. And in knowing these truths, is the only true way to God.

What if what God wants from us is find the truths, find a way to link the truths, and unite the world without deleting any religion? That would mean no religion is better than another but also that no religion got it all correct either. could the world survive this? Would the world religious leaders and the world leaders be able to wrap their minds around this concept and bring about this unity?

The problem is from inside a religion it all sounds like it is the truth, from stories of miracles, to the basic laws. If you have been raised in a religion it is had to put aside that pre-exposser. From outside all religion, its had to believe all the stories and claims of Gods work. Does the same story being past down for generation after generation make it the truth? or just a poplar story? Many fractions of Christianity, broke off in their new direction because someone decided that the word should be interpreted differently than it had been.

So, where do you begin to find the truths? And how many truths are there? I don't know. What I do know is that most religions are there to remind us we are not alone, we where put here for a purpose, there is a higher meaning, and we can find it if we look for it. What I would take from an atheists point of view, everything you need is inside of you.

Lord if you are reading this, please don't take offense, I mean no disrespect. I just believe that you might have wanted us to work harder than we are to make our connection with you. It seems odd to me that you would take such care to design the millions of living creatures and plants on this earth, but only provide one group of people with truth about having a connection and enternal life with you. You know the dark one is cunning, and had you giving all the truth to just one group, he would have found ways to eliminate them, distort the truth or destroy their credibility. To me it just would make sense that you would, spread the truths around. We are still discovering some of the creatures and plants of this world, pretty arrogant of us to think we have spiritual life all nailed down.


I was just wondering.