What does enough feel like?

I wonder what being enough would feel like. That when I showed up, I was enough. If there where no "if only"s there to point out how much I am not enough. Lets face it most days I am not enough for myself (that inner critic is always there to point it out), So how can I expect to be enough for someone else.

I recently posted this on my a social media site, where my friends and family began to tell me how Wonderful I am and how not to let others opinions make me think negative thoughts. For me it wasn't about being upset that someone else pointed out flaws or short comings or even negative thoughts of my own about me. It is about this desire to know what being enough feels like. What does that stillness feel like? What does that confidence feel like? I don't know what other feelings come with the feeling of enough but I am sure there are more than just those two.

My "Monkey brain" seems to be going a mile a minute all the time. When I lay down at night to go to sleep, my mind replays the day and then adds in things I should have done differently. Sometimes two or three options per situation. I have trouble sleeping as my "Monkey brain" is over active. I call it monkey brain as it seem to me it's like watching the monkeys at the zoo, at one end of the inclosure one moment and then at the other the next and back again. Suppose it could be "dog brain" and every new thought is a squirrel that needs to be chased. At any rate, mind runs a lot, in fact if my body ran like my mind I would be lean and strong. My "monkey brain" also likes to think, over analyze what's coming up tomorrow, and what needs to be done.

I was looking for a word or group of words to really describe it, and the only thing that keeps popping in is "fear". Fear is a big plague and I am sad to say, a controller of me more than I like. The fear of not being enough, drives me to try harder. I don't want to be seen as someone not carrying her own weight, so I'll take on more than I should or need to. Afraid that someone will look at me and say, "Who does she think she is fooling?" Most days it is me and my monkey brain telling me that I need to be more (as if trying to be more will make the fear go away). Think of when you where a child and feared something like monsters in the closet or under the bed or thunder and lighting that came with storms. Even when the adults would turn on the lights and look under the bed or in the closet with you, it did not make the fear less. it changed the fear from being afraid of monster to be afraid that the adult would tell you how silly you were for being afraid of stuff the proved was not there already,or fear of no being a big kid in their eyes, or some other kind of fear. Alas that is where I am at. So desperate for someone to notice that I am good and do what I should and i carry my load, living in fear that all my efforts are not enough.

I do yoga for many reasons but one is to quite my mind. there are days yoga helps me with this and there are those days my monkey brain is not giving up without a fight. Somedays mediation works and somedays not so much. This fight is internal for me. I try not to care what others think of me. I don't alter my appearance to impress (make up, fine close or the latest hair styles) and I don't need that to feel good about myself.

I what to know what enough feels like. I want to feel at peace when I go to bed at night. That what I did today was enough. That my inner critic for once was quite, well maybe not totally quite. I want my inner critic to say to me "Well done, you could not have done that better" and then it could be quite.

Maybe then I would sleep.