It was a rough weekend. I found out a friend has spent the last 5 months lying to me, lying about me and sharing all my secrets with others. She told our other friends, and her new girlfriend that they were not to tell me she was dating a woman, while still living with her boyfriend, which she usually refers to him as her husband. We call him John. Her reason was that I would tell her boyfriend. John owns the house they live in with her two kids, her mother and her live boyfriend. If I told John she and her whole family would have no where to live. The funny thing is this would not have been the first time for me to know about her cheating on John. In fact, I have been in the room while it was happening. So, her reason for not telling me had to be something else. She told our other friends that was a real slut and would do anyone that would come along. Then she told them that it's not like me to pick up a guy and she was worried about me. They were very confused about the stories. I mean which is it? Anyone anytime or no one ever? Guess I go both ways and did know it. The secret sharing. Everyone has something they don't want the whole world to know like wetting the bed until you were 8, being raped, dumb choices you have made about taking a dare. I am no different. I have not been perfect. I still make poor choices from time to time. But it should be up to me who knows my secrets and when. If you are trusted enough to learn someones secret then you should honor the trust.
I never knew a friend can break you heart harder than a lover. I have been heart sick over this. When I first heard, my lungs burned, and it was hard to breath. The friend that told me, didn't want to tell me but thought it was better for me to know than to be used by her more. I haven't slept well because I just can't wrap my mind around it. What did she have to gain by lying about me and to me? She posted on facebook how she can't stand two faced liars. Hello Pot its the Kettle calling! This was after her girlfriend broke up with her and blocked her calls. I'm not sure who the liars are that she is referring to. One of the things that struck me as odd, she only had two questions for me. "Are we still friends?" my response "I don't know" and "Is it about the money?" my response "Yes and other things"
She did not ask what the other things are and she didn't proclaim that you didn't want to loose me as a friend. I guess that show right where my friendship ranks with her. Unless the other friend told her, she has no idea what was said between us. What money thing, you ask. We went on a curse in March. When we signed up for it she did not have a credit card to use for it, but promised that she would pay me in full before we left. She paid a little over half and then had one reason after another that she didn't have money for me. In the lies she was telling she told our friends that she had paid me all the money I was just trying to get more out of her.
I'm sad that she thought this what she had to do for what ever reason. I'm mad because she was the first really friend that I had made since my divorce. I let her into my life and heart and I paid the price for it. I was granted some peace today. It wasn't anything that happened or anything someone said or even a realization that I cam
to. I just felt clam, at ease, my heart stop aching and a since of peace just washed over me. I like to think that was God sending me some angels with his love. Nice thought, right? His way of reminding me, its ok, everything will be alright. And it will be. This cloud will pass too.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Sunday, July 29, 2012
acoustic neuroma turned Neurofibromatosis type II
When they found my acoustic neuroma, they told me they don't know what causes one person to get and not another. Although this type of tumor makes up 10% of all brain tumors, it is uncommon for a person to have it on both sides. Theses were words that comforted me. I thought there was nearly no chance that I would have a tumor to deal with again. When I was told that they thought they might see something on the other side, I thought that they were mistaken. I mean we are talking about about something the size of millimeter that has to be really hard to really tell on an MRI. Did I tell you I am good a denial?
So, the little bit they didn't tell me when they found my acoustic neuroma was if they found it on the other side it would change my status and I would be considered a neurofibromatosis type II patient. As I write this now, I remember they had said something about genetic disorder that was very rare for people to have it without family history. Must have dismissed it until now. If you would like to see some scary stuff then surf the web for it. (some stuff is tame and some shows worst case)
Neurofibromatosis type II (NF2 for short)is a genetic mutation, not like X-man. No cool powers come with this. Turns out that I never really had acoustic neuromas but they were really schwannomas. Not sure what really makes the difference, but then again I'm not a doctor. I joke that now I'm a mutant. So hard to face, being told that. There was the question as to how I have this. They believe I am a new mutant. the stats I read at the time showed that on 70% of people that are classed as NF2 patients actually test positive for the mutation. Testing positive or not does not change how they treat you.
So, the little bit they didn't tell me when they found my acoustic neuroma was if they found it on the other side it would change my status and I would be considered a neurofibromatosis type II patient. As I write this now, I remember they had said something about genetic disorder that was very rare for people to have it without family history. Must have dismissed it until now. If you would like to see some scary stuff then surf the web for it. (some stuff is tame and some shows worst case)
Neurofibromatosis type II (NF2 for short)is a genetic mutation, not like X-man. No cool powers come with this. Turns out that I never really had acoustic neuromas but they were really schwannomas. Not sure what really makes the difference, but then again I'm not a doctor. I joke that now I'm a mutant. So hard to face, being told that. There was the question as to how I have this. They believe I am a new mutant. the stats I read at the time showed that on 70% of people that are classed as NF2 patients actually test positive for the mutation. Testing positive or not does not change how they treat you.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
knowing ME
I believe very few people really know me. My Family thinks they know me but they only see the side that shows up to family gatherings. There are things that I just haven't shared with them, like my cousins had no idea that my parents did not pay for my college. It wasn't their business, so I didn't share. Recently, my sister let that slip in an argument she was having with one of them. My parents would have happily paid for college and did at first, but I felt that I need to do it on my own because I was free with their money but not some much with my own. Made me more focused on getting my money's worth and passing classes. It's much easier to waste someone else's money and not feel bad about it. Much hard when you are on the line for the loan payments. There is other stuff too. Like health issues. They know the big stuff, cause you shouldn't withhold the big stuff like brain tumors. But the little stuff like blood pressure, sugar imbalances, and monthly cycles, that can be on a need to know bases. I can't think of one good reason to share with your family the detail of your monthly cycles but I know woman out there that it is a complete must to share with every woman they have contact with during that time of the month for them to tell I have cramps. What ever! Woman everywhere go thru this, get over it. I don't know that any of my extend family has ever asked me about my dreams or fears. I have not gone out of my way to share them either.
I tend not to be a sharer. Although my sister says I can not hide my feelings. They are out there for everyone to see, try as I might not to wear my heart on my sleeve.
I am a private person to a degree. I write my stories, tell about my life, but I don't tell anyone I know that I write under this name or that I have a blog. I'm not sure I want them to know or read my stuff. I might not feel as free to write about them. Not much of my writing is about them but who knows what I will want to write about next.
I wrote a piece of music for a music class I am taking. It's simple and sweet. It was intimidating to be assigned to write a piece for class. I was the only one assigned to write a piece and I preform in front of the class (I wasn't given the options to record it and play a recording for the class). Not that the class was big, it's a very small class. the pressure of playing in front of them alone felt huge. I have sang solo's before but I always had a piano player preforming with me and it has been many years since I have preformed for anyone, (I don't count karaoke cause you don't prepare for that you just have a drink and pick a song you think you know.)
I tend not to be a sharer. Although my sister says I can not hide my feelings. They are out there for everyone to see, try as I might not to wear my heart on my sleeve.
I am a private person to a degree. I write my stories, tell about my life, but I don't tell anyone I know that I write under this name or that I have a blog. I'm not sure I want them to know or read my stuff. I might not feel as free to write about them. Not much of my writing is about them but who knows what I will want to write about next.
I wrote a piece of music for a music class I am taking. It's simple and sweet. It was intimidating to be assigned to write a piece for class. I was the only one assigned to write a piece and I preform in front of the class (I wasn't given the options to record it and play a recording for the class). Not that the class was big, it's a very small class. the pressure of playing in front of them alone felt huge. I have sang solo's before but I always had a piano player preforming with me and it has been many years since I have preformed for anyone, (I don't count karaoke cause you don't prepare for that you just have a drink and pick a song you think you know.)
acoustic neuroma part 3
Speech therapy wasn't what I thought it would be. There was work with a straw, making faces in a mirror, icing my face. I never thought thats what they would have me do. but I do have to admit that my speech was very slurry, and the therapy seem to work. In addition to the speech therapy exercises, I started seeing a massage therapist that also performed energy work and fascial manipulation. I was having a lot of facial pains and cramping. When I first started to see her, I was going twice a week. I did that for a little over a month. When she worked on me I had relief from pain, at least for a little while, couple of days. She got my eye to close. Granted it didn't close all the way at first, but mirrored the movement I would do with my right eye. A great leap forward. I was so happy. The doctors agreed that it was progress but didn't think it was that note worthy.
I continued to see her once a week for the next year. As she worked on me, I would tell her of how I felt the energy move or my face pull. That's when I became more aware of the energy fields in our bodies. She would hold a few spots on my head doing her energy work or fascial manipulation and I would feel the another spot that I know I just need to touch. And when I would the whole energy thru my head would change. The non-belivers in energy work will call BS here, but me and Grandpa we believe. It one of those things you have to experience to really understand. Pretty cool. Thru her work with me, mouth was able to close tightly enough to hold a mouthful of water, my eye could close all but just a small fraction, I could chew on both sides of my mouth, drink from a glass without a straw. Each felt like this great achievement. The doctors still agreed there was progress, but that it wasn't really something to be excited about.
After a year, I backed off my massage treatments to every other week. I had much less pain and could go longer between visits. My Husband was happy to see me cut back as I had already spent a lot of money on this. To me the progress was priceless. I could almost stand to look at my face again. I still didn't like people to take pictures of me. Vanity, maybe, it's not that I thought I was some knock out before, just everything worked before and now it doesn't and I feel less because of that. I became good about being invisible, and blending into the background. Total opposite to how I was before. I liked preforming and being a the spot light and being in the center of the actions. My sister describes our family as a pack of alpha dogs. Everyone trying to be in charge and center of all action.
Funny thing is none of the people who really knew me seem to even notice that I had changed. Out of sight, out of mind. The one that did notice the change, my husband, welcomed the change. He had grown up in a family, where women were mild mannered, meek, and never out shined the men. Looking back on things, I'm not sure why he ever asked me out, because I wasn't any of those things. He did take this opportunity to change the dynamics of our relationship, by asserting more control.
I woke up one night, with a dream that I was talking to a group about my experience with surgery and recovery. And it felt good, I was breaking some of the tension with jokes, a throw back to when I tried my hand at stand up comedy. When I told my husband about it the next day, his response was "What would you have to say that would be of any value to someone else on the subject?" I came back with that every story has a value and it was just a dream. Why couldn't I do that? I should have realized then that we weren't really on the same side about supporting each others dreams. When he told me that his dream had been to be in the military, I supported that dream and encouraged him to go for it so he would not have that as a regret. When he wanted to join a band and enter a band contest I supported him in that. I will give you he did support my art and spent many nights with me as I painted a mural and couple of long hot days as I did chalk drawing on pavement. I have a degree in art so, it wasn't like I was trying something that I had no idea if I would be good at or that I might not like doing. It's funny how you can see all the signs looking back, but you completely miss them as you are living it.
About a year and half after surgery, I had an MRI to check what was going on in my head and to see if they had gotten all of the tumor. The area of on the left, seemed to have lots of scar tissue and they decided that they would like to watch it more closely than they normally would with repeat MRI every year for at least five years and at that point if everything looked good, then they would back off to every three years for repeat MRI, as this tumor type is slow growing. My scan at year two looked about the same as year one, a good amount of scar tissue. When I went for my 3rd year scan, I expect to be told the same thing again. What they told me, there is still the scar tissue on the left, but we think we something on the right and will continue to monitor you yearly beyond the five year mark.
Shortly after this my husband announced he wanted a divorce. Although, he stated that my appearance (stroke victim)had nothing to do with it, I don't completely believe that. If my face had be functioning normally, I would not have withdrawn from life and would not have battled depression. It was hard to take him claiming that he wasn't sure why he had every asked me to marry him in the first place, (maybe he could have come to this realization before we had spent 10 years married) other than I had shown him more love and support in the year we knew each other before he proposed than his family had shown him in his life time.
After he left, it became old hat for me to go to my MRI appointments and doctor appointments alone. As a grown adult, you feel silly asking your Mom and Dad to go with you. At my MRI on the seventh year, the doctors told me that there really is something on the right side and now is the time to decide what I want to do about it. I was alone when I got the news and held it together long enough to get out of the doctors office. I had planned to go back to work after my appointment, but I just couldn't face it right away. I stopped stop have lunch. I cried at lunch and all the way back to work. Another brain tumor, more choices to be made and this time I am alone, no one at home talk this over with.
I continued to see her once a week for the next year. As she worked on me, I would tell her of how I felt the energy move or my face pull. That's when I became more aware of the energy fields in our bodies. She would hold a few spots on my head doing her energy work or fascial manipulation and I would feel the another spot that I know I just need to touch. And when I would the whole energy thru my head would change. The non-belivers in energy work will call BS here, but me and Grandpa we believe. It one of those things you have to experience to really understand. Pretty cool. Thru her work with me, mouth was able to close tightly enough to hold a mouthful of water, my eye could close all but just a small fraction, I could chew on both sides of my mouth, drink from a glass without a straw. Each felt like this great achievement. The doctors still agreed there was progress, but that it wasn't really something to be excited about.
After a year, I backed off my massage treatments to every other week. I had much less pain and could go longer between visits. My Husband was happy to see me cut back as I had already spent a lot of money on this. To me the progress was priceless. I could almost stand to look at my face again. I still didn't like people to take pictures of me. Vanity, maybe, it's not that I thought I was some knock out before, just everything worked before and now it doesn't and I feel less because of that. I became good about being invisible, and blending into the background. Total opposite to how I was before. I liked preforming and being a the spot light and being in the center of the actions. My sister describes our family as a pack of alpha dogs. Everyone trying to be in charge and center of all action.
Funny thing is none of the people who really knew me seem to even notice that I had changed. Out of sight, out of mind. The one that did notice the change, my husband, welcomed the change. He had grown up in a family, where women were mild mannered, meek, and never out shined the men. Looking back on things, I'm not sure why he ever asked me out, because I wasn't any of those things. He did take this opportunity to change the dynamics of our relationship, by asserting more control.
I woke up one night, with a dream that I was talking to a group about my experience with surgery and recovery. And it felt good, I was breaking some of the tension with jokes, a throw back to when I tried my hand at stand up comedy. When I told my husband about it the next day, his response was "What would you have to say that would be of any value to someone else on the subject?" I came back with that every story has a value and it was just a dream. Why couldn't I do that? I should have realized then that we weren't really on the same side about supporting each others dreams. When he told me that his dream had been to be in the military, I supported that dream and encouraged him to go for it so he would not have that as a regret. When he wanted to join a band and enter a band contest I supported him in that. I will give you he did support my art and spent many nights with me as I painted a mural and couple of long hot days as I did chalk drawing on pavement. I have a degree in art so, it wasn't like I was trying something that I had no idea if I would be good at or that I might not like doing. It's funny how you can see all the signs looking back, but you completely miss them as you are living it.
About a year and half after surgery, I had an MRI to check what was going on in my head and to see if they had gotten all of the tumor. The area of on the left, seemed to have lots of scar tissue and they decided that they would like to watch it more closely than they normally would with repeat MRI every year for at least five years and at that point if everything looked good, then they would back off to every three years for repeat MRI, as this tumor type is slow growing. My scan at year two looked about the same as year one, a good amount of scar tissue. When I went for my 3rd year scan, I expect to be told the same thing again. What they told me, there is still the scar tissue on the left, but we think we something on the right and will continue to monitor you yearly beyond the five year mark.
Shortly after this my husband announced he wanted a divorce. Although, he stated that my appearance (stroke victim)had nothing to do with it, I don't completely believe that. If my face had be functioning normally, I would not have withdrawn from life and would not have battled depression. It was hard to take him claiming that he wasn't sure why he had every asked me to marry him in the first place, (maybe he could have come to this realization before we had spent 10 years married) other than I had shown him more love and support in the year we knew each other before he proposed than his family had shown him in his life time.
After he left, it became old hat for me to go to my MRI appointments and doctor appointments alone. As a grown adult, you feel silly asking your Mom and Dad to go with you. At my MRI on the seventh year, the doctors told me that there really is something on the right side and now is the time to decide what I want to do about it. I was alone when I got the news and held it together long enough to get out of the doctors office. I had planned to go back to work after my appointment, but I just couldn't face it right away. I stopped stop have lunch. I cried at lunch and all the way back to work. Another brain tumor, more choices to be made and this time I am alone, no one at home talk this over with.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Acoustic Neuroma part 2
God answered my prayers. I survived the surgery. What the surgeons found once inside my head was a different than what they expected. Normal acoustic neuroma grow as one blob filling the cannel. Being special, like my dad has always told me, my acoustic neuroma grew like a wad of spaghetti that has been twirled around a fork, or in this case my facial and hearing nerves. They made attempts to document the tumor uniqueness with photos, but the cameras they had in the surgery suite would not work right, even though they had been tested before hand. The surgery lasted longer than normal as they had to un-tangle the mass of tumor from my nerves. The one request that I had made of surgeons was to do what they could to save what was left of my hearing. They respected my request and did what they could.
There were side effects from the surgery and the process taken to remove the tumor. My facial nerve was stretched but still in tack. I looked like I had a stroke. The whole left side of my face did not work. My eye would not close when I tried to close it. I could not keep my lips together. I couldn't smile, or chew food, or even drink from a glass. Of all things I could have prayed for I prayed to survive. Why didn't I think about the state I would be surviving in?
It was too much for my husband to take. He stayed the first night with me but as soon as my parents showed up the next day he took off. He went back to work and spent as little time with me at the hospital as possible. At the time I never gave any thought to how it must have been for him to have to look at me like that. I could just avoid looking mirrors or keep people from taking my picture and I could pretend that my face still worked, but he could not. Me sitting across the table from him was a constant reminder. He never said but I think it might have been heartbreaking to look at me.
As expected, they had cut my balance nerve to remove the tumor. My brain then had to figure out that one balance center was no longer sending information, until it adjusted itself to this fact my world was spinning. I was on bed rest for the first 24 hours, being a fall risk they didn't want me up until my brain had started to make the adjustment. The doctors drug of choice was morphine. I had never had it before as they do not give it to you when you have your tonsil removed. It was an interesting experience. The nurse gave me my first dose in the IV port in my left arm. As the morphine went up my arm it burned slightly, when it made it to my heart and lungs I found it very hard to breath and my heart was racing as fast as I had ever experienced. This tightness in my chest and a racing heart beat seemed to go on for several minutes. I thought that this was the normal reaction to it, and that why some get addicted to it cause they like that intense feel of impending death. (isn't that the reason people jump out of perfectly good airplanes?) I decided then that the pain in my head from the surgery wasn't that bad and I would only take the morphine again, if I couldn't stand it anymore. I think that I had only 2 more doses after that, a nurse finally notice that I was having trouble breathing as she pushed them morphine and asked for different pain meds for me. I know now that I was have an allergic reaction to the morphine, but I did not make the connection then.
My brain made the switch to just one balance nerve pretty quickly. I was released from the hospital on the third day. the ride home from the hospital was a bit scary, but I didn't get sick. Over the next few weeks my Mom came and stayed with me during the day so my husband could go to work. We sat and visited mostly, be we did get out and do some walking. Exception of my face I was recovering well. I stayed out of work my full 6 weeks. I had made adjustments to how I did stuff. like I would drink from a straw instead of the glass, holding the side of my month that didn't work together with my fingers. I put eye gel in my eye to keep it wet. I stop wearing my contacts, because you can't really see clearly thru the gel. As I said I stopped looking in mirrors, so had lulled myself into denial, or maybe that is marched myself into denial.
My first day back at work, one of my co-works as he saw me for the first time said, "What the heck happen to you?" my response was "brain surgery". His response, "I know that but what happen to your face?"
My family and friends had aided my in my denial, as each one would say its not that bad, you can hardly tell, If you didn't know your face you could pass for normal. I love them, but they lie. I know this because I had seen my face, but didn't want to face it. My left eye didn't close and when I blinked my right eye the left would roll back up in my head seeking shelter. As for the rest of my face, I look like botox job gone wrong, no worries of wrinkles and nothing moved.
The surgeons told me that there was a chance the nerve would come back in the mean time they sent me to speak and physical therapy. I was one step away from mush mouth.
There were side effects from the surgery and the process taken to remove the tumor. My facial nerve was stretched but still in tack. I looked like I had a stroke. The whole left side of my face did not work. My eye would not close when I tried to close it. I could not keep my lips together. I couldn't smile, or chew food, or even drink from a glass. Of all things I could have prayed for I prayed to survive. Why didn't I think about the state I would be surviving in?
It was too much for my husband to take. He stayed the first night with me but as soon as my parents showed up the next day he took off. He went back to work and spent as little time with me at the hospital as possible. At the time I never gave any thought to how it must have been for him to have to look at me like that. I could just avoid looking mirrors or keep people from taking my picture and I could pretend that my face still worked, but he could not. Me sitting across the table from him was a constant reminder. He never said but I think it might have been heartbreaking to look at me.
As expected, they had cut my balance nerve to remove the tumor. My brain then had to figure out that one balance center was no longer sending information, until it adjusted itself to this fact my world was spinning. I was on bed rest for the first 24 hours, being a fall risk they didn't want me up until my brain had started to make the adjustment. The doctors drug of choice was morphine. I had never had it before as they do not give it to you when you have your tonsil removed. It was an interesting experience. The nurse gave me my first dose in the IV port in my left arm. As the morphine went up my arm it burned slightly, when it made it to my heart and lungs I found it very hard to breath and my heart was racing as fast as I had ever experienced. This tightness in my chest and a racing heart beat seemed to go on for several minutes. I thought that this was the normal reaction to it, and that why some get addicted to it cause they like that intense feel of impending death. (isn't that the reason people jump out of perfectly good airplanes?) I decided then that the pain in my head from the surgery wasn't that bad and I would only take the morphine again, if I couldn't stand it anymore. I think that I had only 2 more doses after that, a nurse finally notice that I was having trouble breathing as she pushed them morphine and asked for different pain meds for me. I know now that I was have an allergic reaction to the morphine, but I did not make the connection then.
My brain made the switch to just one balance nerve pretty quickly. I was released from the hospital on the third day. the ride home from the hospital was a bit scary, but I didn't get sick. Over the next few weeks my Mom came and stayed with me during the day so my husband could go to work. We sat and visited mostly, be we did get out and do some walking. Exception of my face I was recovering well. I stayed out of work my full 6 weeks. I had made adjustments to how I did stuff. like I would drink from a straw instead of the glass, holding the side of my month that didn't work together with my fingers. I put eye gel in my eye to keep it wet. I stop wearing my contacts, because you can't really see clearly thru the gel. As I said I stopped looking in mirrors, so had lulled myself into denial, or maybe that is marched myself into denial.
My first day back at work, one of my co-works as he saw me for the first time said, "What the heck happen to you?" my response was "brain surgery". His response, "I know that but what happen to your face?"
My family and friends had aided my in my denial, as each one would say its not that bad, you can hardly tell, If you didn't know your face you could pass for normal. I love them, but they lie. I know this because I had seen my face, but didn't want to face it. My left eye didn't close and when I blinked my right eye the left would roll back up in my head seeking shelter. As for the rest of my face, I look like botox job gone wrong, no worries of wrinkles and nothing moved.
The surgeons told me that there was a chance the nerve would come back in the mean time they sent me to speak and physical therapy. I was one step away from mush mouth.
Thinking bigger
This past Sunday, a friend of mine texted me and asked me if I wanted to join her for church. Something she has never done on a Sunday morning. I replied with Yes. I haven't been to church in a few months. I am currently between home churches and not actively searching for a new one. As Life goes, there is seems to be other things that make it to the top of the list before finding a new home church, that's not an excuse just the facts.
"Thinking Bigger" was the theme of the lesson. I took two pages of notes during the lesson. So many of the things said were hitting home. I don't wish to steal the teaching, but I do wish to share some of my thoughts on and echoes of the lesson I had heard other places but didn't put them together.
The human condition, for the most part we are asleep in our lives. Going thru the motions that it takes to survive daily life, with less of a plan of whats next and where else we could take our lives but more of trying to explain what has already taken place and why. Like asking ourselves, why does bad stuff happen to me? As we are looking back at all the stuff that has already happen our focus is not on our next step. It is much like trying to drive your car forward while looking out the back window or rearview mirror. Bad stuff will happen.
WAKE UP!
The past is the past and you can't change it. Know that if you have been asleep in your life, that the stuff from the past happen because you and those around you were not focus on the next step but caught up in looking back.
The old saying that you can't go home again. Is very much true. Once you have been there it will never be the same. You can't recapture it and you can't relive it.
There is no reverse gear in life, let the past be the past and move FOWARD!
You don't have to repeat your mistakes. Choose to turn around, face forward and plan your next step.
In the movie, "Meet the Robinsons" there is a motto the dad uses "Keep moving forward". Even though we grow up we don't seem to keep moving forward. Stuck in a mind set that this is as good as it gets. The thing is, it gets as good as we expect it to be. If you expectation are low then that is what you get.
Think bigger! My thoughts of the future before this sunday is I am faced with a life time of going thru the motions to survive. "the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off." (I read that in a comic or something, can't remember where, but I know its not mine) Some little things to hope for, but as a grand life plan that i am working on not so much. I never stopped to ask myself why aren't you worth a bigger better plan than just surviving this life.
As God creation, I have an assignment, as do each of us. Our soul's assignment is to fully express all that God has created us to be.
I don't know about you but I didn't come with a packing slip that listed my parts and all the things I was created for. So, there seems to be some self discovery that needs to happen for each of us. Dream big, try everything in your power to make your dreams come true. Make a plan, keep moving forward, the only really failure is not trying. Stay awake and live deliberately. Let the past go and look to a new future.
THIS IS YOUR LIFE DON'T WASTED
Are you living your very best life?
"Thinking Bigger" was the theme of the lesson. I took two pages of notes during the lesson. So many of the things said were hitting home. I don't wish to steal the teaching, but I do wish to share some of my thoughts on and echoes of the lesson I had heard other places but didn't put them together.
The human condition, for the most part we are asleep in our lives. Going thru the motions that it takes to survive daily life, with less of a plan of whats next and where else we could take our lives but more of trying to explain what has already taken place and why. Like asking ourselves, why does bad stuff happen to me? As we are looking back at all the stuff that has already happen our focus is not on our next step. It is much like trying to drive your car forward while looking out the back window or rearview mirror. Bad stuff will happen.
WAKE UP!
The past is the past and you can't change it. Know that if you have been asleep in your life, that the stuff from the past happen because you and those around you were not focus on the next step but caught up in looking back.
The old saying that you can't go home again. Is very much true. Once you have been there it will never be the same. You can't recapture it and you can't relive it.
There is no reverse gear in life, let the past be the past and move FOWARD!
You don't have to repeat your mistakes. Choose to turn around, face forward and plan your next step.
In the movie, "Meet the Robinsons" there is a motto the dad uses "Keep moving forward". Even though we grow up we don't seem to keep moving forward. Stuck in a mind set that this is as good as it gets. The thing is, it gets as good as we expect it to be. If you expectation are low then that is what you get.
Think bigger! My thoughts of the future before this sunday is I am faced with a life time of going thru the motions to survive. "the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off." (I read that in a comic or something, can't remember where, but I know its not mine) Some little things to hope for, but as a grand life plan that i am working on not so much. I never stopped to ask myself why aren't you worth a bigger better plan than just surviving this life.
As God creation, I have an assignment, as do each of us. Our soul's assignment is to fully express all that God has created us to be.
I don't know about you but I didn't come with a packing slip that listed my parts and all the things I was created for. So, there seems to be some self discovery that needs to happen for each of us. Dream big, try everything in your power to make your dreams come true. Make a plan, keep moving forward, the only really failure is not trying. Stay awake and live deliberately. Let the past go and look to a new future.
THIS IS YOUR LIFE DON'T WASTED
Are you living your very best life?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)