Heart space

I was recent at a music event where they were calling on the universe to co-create or maybe it was calling on the universe to aline things so that we could co-create the pure love infusion song. In preparation for this, we did some clearing of energy, emotions and mental blocks. Then we did some breathing exercises and a guided meditation. In the mediation, we were asked to listen to our hearts. And I did, I listen to the rhythm of its beats and how it was slowing as I was listening. Then we were asked to allow ourselves to sink into our heart space. My mind still on my physical heart, allowed myself to sink into my chest. They asked us to have a look around our heart space. At this point I know that I was not in the right spot, why would they want me to look around my chest cavity? The leader went on to say that each of our heart spaces were the same and had been since the day we were born. This is when I figured out they were talking about the place within us that our love comes from. This totally made more since given that we were there to make the pure love infusion song. Color me blonde.

This got me to thinking about what is your true heart space and what does that look like? I have heard most of my life, that you make place for God to live in your heart. I knew that it wasn't the beating heart in your chest but I really didn't think much else about it. Heart space, if you Google it gives you 740 million links most with their business or enlightenment path. Heart space does not appear in a dictionary, that I could find. Heart space, where you hold the people that you love. Maybe it would be better to say where the love comes from and is held, because the physical people don't get inside you heart space. Still I have no clue what that space would look like. Is it just a place of thoughts? One that is filled with words that describe the people we live and what it is that makes us love them? It is really like a home? A place that a little of the essence of the people that we love come and hang out on the sofa and watch TV? Only thing is it's your life that they are watching on the TV. and all the people you love just hanging out together? Maybe it is a place of just feelings. Where there is love all the time and all around. If you could dwell in a place like that, how great it would be?

Surrounded by love. Surrounded by unconditional love. There would be no fear because there would be nothing to fear. No fear of rejection, ridicule, or harm, allowing you to express yourself in anyway you think and still be loved. How freeing?

I think that maybe that is where the guided meditation was trying to get us to go. The purpose of creating the song of pure love infusion is to be able to put more love out into the world and universe. What if you were in a place that being remind what it feels like to receive unconditional love, would change your attitude or interaction with others? Oh, the possibilities.

grow up

I don't know why it surprises me that there are people in the world that don't want to grow up. I'm not talking about those that are a kid at heart. It's those that are too cowardly, to own up to their actions or feelings or mistakes, that go around lying to people. You know life is too short for this crap. If for some reason you no longer find my friendship appealing, then be up front and honest. That way we both can move on. Its just flat out mean to tell someone to their face you are friends but the truth is you don't want to be their friend. And people wonder why I have stopped making friends. Really, at my age I shouldn't have to deal with people like this. You expect some of it in junior high and high school, but twenty years later you should be done with it. Even knowing the reasoning wont help me to understand. I am trying to be more Christ like, and it's hard. Walk a mile in the other guys shoes, right? So, what would make me want to tell someone we are friends to their face, but not really mean it? I came up with two things, one they have something I need, and the only way to get is thru them, or they are appear so fragile that they could not handle the truth. I don't think I have anything people want, I must appear fragile. Maybe I am. No one likes rejections, but it is better then being lied to. Every time I find that some one has lied to me I find it harder to trust. My hang up I know. My long time friend, is brutally honest and blunt. It is very hard to take sometimes, but I always know where she stands. Suppose there could be a third option, of just for the fun of destroying someone else. That thought is not appealing to me at all, but there are those that get their kicks from causing others pain.

I need some work yet, I find it hard to start with turning the other check, to let go of the judgement, granting forgiveness. Did I say I needed work? Perhaps it is me that needs to do the growing up.

If God loves the world including the flaws, so should I.

I don't have to like it but I need to find a way to love. Trust and Love go hand and hand.

Wanted

Driving down the road she looks like any other commuter. Sunglasses on, windows up, messing with the radio buttons while keeping a watch on traffic. If those passing her were to take a closer look, they would see that she is crying. Streams of tears mar her cheeks, but she holds her head up. If there was someone in the car with her they would hear the radio changing station. She is searching for some song or comedy bit to bring her back for the brink of despair. Hope feels like a thing of the past. Giving up on the radio she turns it off and gives into the tears. Gut wrenching sobs over take her and keeping her breath becomes hard. She cries out, "Why doesn't anyone want me? Why does no one love me? I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. God why would you spare my life for me to live this way?"

Sobs over take her once more, if possible she cries harder. She has remembered something she heard, not sure where but knows it has been said to her. "I want you. I wanted you so much that I created you. I love you. I love you so much that I created this whole universe for you to live in. I am with you. I am beside you in good times and I carry you thru the bad times. You are not alone. I want you. I love you. I am with you." Her crying stops.

All this time she was looking for some one to want her, love her and make her feel connected. God was always there.

If I had turned to him sooner I might not have shed some many tears of pain.

NF2 second tumor

Since it had been seven year from my firs tumor to the second tumor, I decided to take to both a radiologist and surgeons. I took my whole family with me to the radiologist, Mom, Dad, and older sister. My support system post divorce. The radiology treatment had advanced in seven years. They use much lower levels and take imaging of you while on the table receiving treatment and make adjustments on the spot. It sounded really cool and the statics had changed in the loss of hearing and facial nerve damaged. Both for the better.

My sister was thrilled with the meeting. She really liked what the doctor had to say and the better stats. Mom and Dad seemed open to the idea of radiation. My Dad four year earlier had be diagnosed with throat cancer. He had been given the option for surgery or radiation combined with chemo. At first my Dad was going to have surgery. They put in a peg stomach tube, so that he could be fed after the surgery. He had complication from that and decided to go with the radiation/chemo combination. So, he had seen first hand as to how well radiation could work. By the way Dad has been cancer free for 5 years now.

Although the radiation treatments had a advanced and the stats were better, radiation still didn't set well with me. It just bothers me that they would kill the tumor and just leave it in there. Not that I need the extra room in the canal for something, or that anyone would know it was there by looking at me. I just didn't want to carry around a dead tumor in my head for the rest of my life. It's like killing and spider and just leaving it were it was. Seems wrong to me.

The effects of radiation are slow, so you don't know how the loss of the balance is totally going to effect you for a long while. I was already having dizzy smells while sitting still. They would come on with no warning and I would not know how long they were going to last. For me, I want to know up front just how bad it is going to be. Waiting to see what the worst is going to be is just not something that I was cut out to do.

We met with the surgeons as well. They talked about how surgery would be different this time as the tumor is smaller and there wasn't damage to my hearing nerve yet, over the last seven years that had a lot more practice at the surgery. Their approach would be the same as last time coming in from above. They were willing to do the surgery but it was up to me and what I wanted to do about it. They gave me until January to make decision, thinking that I could have a stress free holiday season this way.

I really didn't need until January, I had my mind made up long before then. Surgery was the only option I thought I could live with. Even with the not so good out come of my first surgery.

I had asked my family to be apart of the process this time around and included them in the doctors' appointment. They willing did so. When it came time for the decision. I made that on my own. After all it was my body we are dealing with and ultimately I will be the one dealing with any all complication from either procedure. This was hard for my Sister to take. She thought that since I asked them to be part of appointments that she would also get a say in the choice of procedures. Being one that is not fond of surgery or cutting on the body in general, she thought radiation was the way to go. And if I didn't like the answers I got here in KC then I should go to the Mayo clinic or some place like that with more experts.

They day before surgery, she calls me on my way to work. Tells me that I don't have to have the surgery. That she knows I like my surgeons, and have faith in them, but my last surgery was a best case situation and it could end up being much worse this time. I start crying, and I yell at my first sister for the first time in my life (that I remember). I try to explain to her what I can not explain to myself. The thought of radiation makes me want to die. Just kill me now if that is my only option. I am scared to death of the surgery but I am willing to go through it. I think this time will be different. In my heart of hearts I know it will be. Nothing is the same twice. I tell her What I really need is for her to tell me its going to be ok and we will handle what every comes after together. She tells me she can't do that, because she doesn't know everything will be ok and she won't lie to me. She says that she knows I want to continue to live on my own after surgery but I may lose my right to make that decision depending how the surgery turns out. I tell her I have arrived at work and need to go.

I was mad. All I could do was cry. How could she not support my decision? I understand better than most about being scared of surgery. This would be my third surgery in my life. I have reason not to want to have brain surgery after the first time and the facial weakness and lack of movement. I know she had to be scared some too. I'm her baby sister and she would fight for me against the biggest, meanest bully on the bus. She always had my back but not this time.

I received a call from Mom asking me to come to a family diner that night. My sister had called my parents and told them had a lively conversation that morning and she was not convinced that I really wanted have the surgery.

One tough blow

It was a rough weekend. I found out a friend has spent the last 5 months lying to me, lying about me and sharing all my secrets with others. She told our other friends, and her new girlfriend that they were not to tell me she was dating a woman, while still living with her boyfriend, which she usually refers to him as her husband. We call him John. Her reason was that I would tell her boyfriend. John owns the house they live in with her two kids, her mother and her live boyfriend. If I told John she and her whole family would have no where to live. The funny thing is this would not have been the first time for me to know about her cheating on John. In fact, I have been in the room while it was happening. So, her reason for not telling me had to be something else. She told our other friends that was a real slut and would do anyone that would come along. Then she told them that it's not like me to pick up a guy and she was worried about me. They were very confused about the stories. I mean which is it? Anyone anytime or no one ever? Guess I go both ways and did know it. The secret sharing. Everyone has something they don't want the whole world to know like wetting the bed until you were 8, being raped, dumb choices you have made about taking a dare. I am no different. I have not been perfect. I still make poor choices from time to time. But it should be up to me who knows my secrets and when. If you are trusted enough to learn someones secret then you should honor the trust.

I never knew a friend can break you heart harder than a lover. I have been heart sick over this. When I first heard, my lungs burned, and it was hard to breath. The friend that told me, didn't want to tell me but thought it was better for me to know than to be used by her more. I haven't slept well because I just can't wrap my mind around it. What did she have to gain by lying about me and to me? She posted on facebook how she can't stand two faced liars. Hello Pot its the Kettle calling! This was after her girlfriend broke up with her and blocked her calls. I'm not sure who the liars are that she is referring to. One of the things that struck me as odd, she only had two questions for me. "Are we still friends?" my response "I don't know" and "Is it about the money?" my response "Yes and other things"

She did not ask what the other things are and she didn't proclaim that you didn't want to loose me as a friend. I guess that show right where my friendship ranks with her. Unless the other friend told her, she has no idea what was said between us. What money thing, you ask. We went on a curse in March. When we signed up for it she did not have a credit card to use for it, but promised that she would pay me in full before we left. She paid a little over half and then had one reason after another that she didn't have money for me. In the lies she was telling she told our friends that she had paid me all the money I was just trying to get more out of her.

I'm sad that she thought this what she had to do for what ever reason. I'm mad because she was the first really friend that I had made since my divorce. I let her into my life and heart and I paid the price for it. I was granted some peace today. It wasn't anything that happened or anything someone said or even a realization that I cam
to. I just felt clam, at ease, my heart stop aching and a since of peace just washed over me. I like to think that was God sending me some angels with his love. Nice thought, right? His way of reminding me, its ok, everything will be alright. And it will be. This cloud will pass too.

acoustic neuroma turned Neurofibromatosis type II

When they found my acoustic neuroma, they told me they don't know what causes one person to get and not another. Although this type of tumor makes up 10% of all brain tumors, it is uncommon for a person to have it on both sides. Theses were words that comforted me. I thought there was nearly no chance that I would have a tumor to deal with again. When I was told that they thought they might see something on the other side, I thought that they were mistaken. I mean we are talking about about something the size of millimeter that has to be really hard to really tell on an MRI. Did I tell you I am good a denial?

So, the little bit they didn't tell me when they found my acoustic neuroma was if they found it on the other side it would change my status and I would be considered a neurofibromatosis type II patient. As I write this now, I remember they had said something about genetic disorder that was very rare for people to have it without family history. Must have dismissed it until now. If you would like to see some scary stuff then surf the web for it. (some stuff is tame and some shows worst case)

Neurofibromatosis type II (NF2 for short)is a genetic mutation, not like X-man. No cool powers come with this. Turns out that I never really had acoustic neuromas but they were really schwannomas. Not sure what really makes the difference, but then again I'm not a doctor. I joke that now I'm a mutant. So hard to face, being told that. There was the question as to how I have this. They believe I am a new mutant. the stats I read at the time showed that on 70% of people that are classed as NF2 patients actually test positive for the mutation. Testing positive or not does not change how they treat you.

knowing ME

I believe very few people really know me. My Family thinks they know me but they only see the side that shows up to family gatherings. There are things that I just haven't shared with them, like my cousins had no idea that my parents did not pay for my college. It wasn't their business, so I didn't share. Recently, my sister let that slip in an argument she was having with one of them. My parents would have happily paid for college and did at first, but I felt that I need to do it on my own because I was free with their money but not some much with my own. Made me more focused on getting my money's worth and passing classes. It's much easier to waste someone else's money and not feel bad about it. Much hard when you are on the line for the loan payments. There is other stuff too. Like health issues. They know the big stuff, cause you shouldn't withhold the big stuff like brain tumors. But the little stuff like blood pressure, sugar imbalances, and monthly cycles, that can be on a need to know bases. I can't think of one good reason to share with your family the detail of your monthly cycles but I know woman out there that it is a complete must to share with every woman they have contact with during that time of the month for them to tell I have cramps. What ever! Woman everywhere go thru this, get over it. I don't know that any of my extend family has ever asked me about my dreams or fears. I have not gone out of my way to share them either.

I tend not to be a sharer. Although my sister says I can not hide my feelings. They are out there for everyone to see, try as I might not to wear my heart on my sleeve.
I am a private person to a degree. I write my stories, tell about my life, but I don't tell anyone I know that I write under this name or that I have a blog. I'm not sure I want them to know or read my stuff. I might not feel as free to write about them. Not much of my writing is about them but who knows what I will want to write about next.

I wrote a piece of music for a music class I am taking. It's simple and sweet. It was intimidating to be assigned to write a piece for class. I was the only one assigned to write a piece and I preform in front of the class (I wasn't given the options to record it and play a recording for the class). Not that the class was big, it's a very small class. the pressure of playing in front of them alone felt huge. I have sang solo's before but I always had a piano player preforming with me and it has been many years since I have preformed for anyone, (I don't count karaoke cause you don't prepare for that you just have a drink and pick a song you think you know.)