Saturday, October 20, 2012

Heart space

I was recent at a music event where they were calling on the universe to co-create or maybe it was calling on the universe to aline things so that we could co-create the pure love infusion song. In preparation for this, we did some clearing of energy, emotions and mental blocks. Then we did some breathing exercises and a guided meditation. In the mediation, we were asked to listen to our hearts. And I did, I listen to the rhythm of its beats and how it was slowing as I was listening. Then we were asked to allow ourselves to sink into our heart space. My mind still on my physical heart, allowed myself to sink into my chest. They asked us to have a look around our heart space. At this point I know that I was not in the right spot, why would they want me to look around my chest cavity? The leader went on to say that each of our heart spaces were the same and had been since the day we were born. This is when I figured out they were talking about the place within us that our love comes from. This totally made more since given that we were there to make the pure love infusion song. Color me blonde.

This got me to thinking about what is your true heart space and what does that look like? I have heard most of my life, that you make place for God to live in your heart. I knew that it wasn't the beating heart in your chest but I really didn't think much else about it. Heart space, if you Google it gives you 740 million links most with their business or enlightenment path. Heart space does not appear in a dictionary, that I could find. Heart space, where you hold the people that you love. Maybe it would be better to say where the love comes from and is held, because the physical people don't get inside you heart space. Still I have no clue what that space would look like. Is it just a place of thoughts? One that is filled with words that describe the people we live and what it is that makes us love them? It is really like a home? A place that a little of the essence of the people that we love come and hang out on the sofa and watch TV? Only thing is it's your life that they are watching on the TV. and all the people you love just hanging out together? Maybe it is a place of just feelings. Where there is love all the time and all around. If you could dwell in a place like that, how great it would be?

Surrounded by love. Surrounded by unconditional love. There would be no fear because there would be nothing to fear. No fear of rejection, ridicule, or harm, allowing you to express yourself in anyway you think and still be loved. How freeing?

I think that maybe that is where the guided meditation was trying to get us to go. The purpose of creating the song of pure love infusion is to be able to put more love out into the world and universe. What if you were in a place that being remind what it feels like to receive unconditional love, would change your attitude or interaction with others? Oh, the possibilities.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

grow up

I don't know why it surprises me that there are people in the world that don't want to grow up. I'm not talking about those that are a kid at heart. It's those that are too cowardly, to own up to their actions or feelings or mistakes, that go around lying to people. You know life is too short for this crap. If for some reason you no longer find my friendship appealing, then be up front and honest. That way we both can move on. Its just flat out mean to tell someone to their face you are friends but the truth is you don't want to be their friend. And people wonder why I have stopped making friends. Really, at my age I shouldn't have to deal with people like this. You expect some of it in junior high and high school, but twenty years later you should be done with it. Even knowing the reasoning wont help me to understand. I am trying to be more Christ like, and it's hard. Walk a mile in the other guys shoes, right? So, what would make me want to tell someone we are friends to their face, but not really mean it? I came up with two things, one they have something I need, and the only way to get is thru them, or they are appear so fragile that they could not handle the truth. I don't think I have anything people want, I must appear fragile. Maybe I am. No one likes rejections, but it is better then being lied to. Every time I find that some one has lied to me I find it harder to trust. My hang up I know. My long time friend, is brutally honest and blunt. It is very hard to take sometimes, but I always know where she stands. Suppose there could be a third option, of just for the fun of destroying someone else. That thought is not appealing to me at all, but there are those that get their kicks from causing others pain.

I need some work yet, I find it hard to start with turning the other check, to let go of the judgement, granting forgiveness. Did I say I needed work? Perhaps it is me that needs to do the growing up.

If God loves the world including the flaws, so should I.

I don't have to like it but I need to find a way to love. Trust and Love go hand and hand.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Wanted

Driving down the road she looks like any other commuter. Sunglasses on, windows up, messing with the radio buttons while keeping a watch on traffic. If those passing her were to take a closer look, they would see that she is crying. Streams of tears mar her cheeks, but she holds her head up. If there was someone in the car with her they would hear the radio changing station. She is searching for some song or comedy bit to bring her back for the brink of despair. Hope feels like a thing of the past. Giving up on the radio she turns it off and gives into the tears. Gut wrenching sobs over take her and keeping her breath becomes hard. She cries out, "Why doesn't anyone want me? Why does no one love me? I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. God why would you spare my life for me to live this way?"

Sobs over take her once more, if possible she cries harder. She has remembered something she heard, not sure where but knows it has been said to her. "I want you. I wanted you so much that I created you. I love you. I love you so much that I created this whole universe for you to live in. I am with you. I am beside you in good times and I carry you thru the bad times. You are not alone. I want you. I love you. I am with you." Her crying stops.

All this time she was looking for some one to want her, love her and make her feel connected. God was always there.

If I had turned to him sooner I might not have shed some many tears of pain.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

NF2 second tumor

Since it had been seven year from my firs tumor to the second tumor, I decided to take to both a radiologist and surgeons. I took my whole family with me to the radiologist, Mom, Dad, and older sister. My support system post divorce. The radiology treatment had advanced in seven years. They use much lower levels and take imaging of you while on the table receiving treatment and make adjustments on the spot. It sounded really cool and the statics had changed in the loss of hearing and facial nerve damaged. Both for the better.

My sister was thrilled with the meeting. She really liked what the doctor had to say and the better stats. Mom and Dad seemed open to the idea of radiation. My Dad four year earlier had be diagnosed with throat cancer. He had been given the option for surgery or radiation combined with chemo. At first my Dad was going to have surgery. They put in a peg stomach tube, so that he could be fed after the surgery. He had complication from that and decided to go with the radiation/chemo combination. So, he had seen first hand as to how well radiation could work. By the way Dad has been cancer free for 5 years now.

Although the radiation treatments had a advanced and the stats were better, radiation still didn't set well with me. It just bothers me that they would kill the tumor and just leave it in there. Not that I need the extra room in the canal for something, or that anyone would know it was there by looking at me. I just didn't want to carry around a dead tumor in my head for the rest of my life. It's like killing and spider and just leaving it were it was. Seems wrong to me.

The effects of radiation are slow, so you don't know how the loss of the balance is totally going to effect you for a long while. I was already having dizzy smells while sitting still. They would come on with no warning and I would not know how long they were going to last. For me, I want to know up front just how bad it is going to be. Waiting to see what the worst is going to be is just not something that I was cut out to do.

We met with the surgeons as well. They talked about how surgery would be different this time as the tumor is smaller and there wasn't damage to my hearing nerve yet, over the last seven years that had a lot more practice at the surgery. Their approach would be the same as last time coming in from above. They were willing to do the surgery but it was up to me and what I wanted to do about it. They gave me until January to make decision, thinking that I could have a stress free holiday season this way.

I really didn't need until January, I had my mind made up long before then. Surgery was the only option I thought I could live with. Even with the not so good out come of my first surgery.

I had asked my family to be apart of the process this time around and included them in the doctors' appointment. They willing did so. When it came time for the decision. I made that on my own. After all it was my body we are dealing with and ultimately I will be the one dealing with any all complication from either procedure. This was hard for my Sister to take. She thought that since I asked them to be part of appointments that she would also get a say in the choice of procedures. Being one that is not fond of surgery or cutting on the body in general, she thought radiation was the way to go. And if I didn't like the answers I got here in KC then I should go to the Mayo clinic or some place like that with more experts.

They day before surgery, she calls me on my way to work. Tells me that I don't have to have the surgery. That she knows I like my surgeons, and have faith in them, but my last surgery was a best case situation and it could end up being much worse this time. I start crying, and I yell at my first sister for the first time in my life (that I remember). I try to explain to her what I can not explain to myself. The thought of radiation makes me want to die. Just kill me now if that is my only option. I am scared to death of the surgery but I am willing to go through it. I think this time will be different. In my heart of hearts I know it will be. Nothing is the same twice. I tell her What I really need is for her to tell me its going to be ok and we will handle what every comes after together. She tells me she can't do that, because she doesn't know everything will be ok and she won't lie to me. She says that she knows I want to continue to live on my own after surgery but I may lose my right to make that decision depending how the surgery turns out. I tell her I have arrived at work and need to go.

I was mad. All I could do was cry. How could she not support my decision? I understand better than most about being scared of surgery. This would be my third surgery in my life. I have reason not to want to have brain surgery after the first time and the facial weakness and lack of movement. I know she had to be scared some too. I'm her baby sister and she would fight for me against the biggest, meanest bully on the bus. She always had my back but not this time.

I received a call from Mom asking me to come to a family diner that night. My sister had called my parents and told them had a lively conversation that morning and she was not convinced that I really wanted have the surgery.



Monday, July 30, 2012

One tough blow

It was a rough weekend. I found out a friend has spent the last 5 months lying to me, lying about me and sharing all my secrets with others. She told our other friends, and her new girlfriend that they were not to tell me she was dating a woman, while still living with her boyfriend, which she usually refers to him as her husband. We call him John. Her reason was that I would tell her boyfriend. John owns the house they live in with her two kids, her mother and her live boyfriend. If I told John she and her whole family would have no where to live. The funny thing is this would not have been the first time for me to know about her cheating on John. In fact, I have been in the room while it was happening. So, her reason for not telling me had to be something else. She told our other friends that was a real slut and would do anyone that would come along. Then she told them that it's not like me to pick up a guy and she was worried about me. They were very confused about the stories. I mean which is it? Anyone anytime or no one ever? Guess I go both ways and did know it. The secret sharing. Everyone has something they don't want the whole world to know like wetting the bed until you were 8, being raped, dumb choices you have made about taking a dare. I am no different. I have not been perfect. I still make poor choices from time to time. But it should be up to me who knows my secrets and when. If you are trusted enough to learn someones secret then you should honor the trust.

I never knew a friend can break you heart harder than a lover. I have been heart sick over this. When I first heard, my lungs burned, and it was hard to breath. The friend that told me, didn't want to tell me but thought it was better for me to know than to be used by her more. I haven't slept well because I just can't wrap my mind around it. What did she have to gain by lying about me and to me? She posted on facebook how she can't stand two faced liars. Hello Pot its the Kettle calling! This was after her girlfriend broke up with her and blocked her calls. I'm not sure who the liars are that she is referring to. One of the things that struck me as odd, she only had two questions for me. "Are we still friends?" my response "I don't know" and "Is it about the money?" my response "Yes and other things"

She did not ask what the other things are and she didn't proclaim that you didn't want to loose me as a friend. I guess that show right where my friendship ranks with her. Unless the other friend told her, she has no idea what was said between us. What money thing, you ask. We went on a curse in March. When we signed up for it she did not have a credit card to use for it, but promised that she would pay me in full before we left. She paid a little over half and then had one reason after another that she didn't have money for me. In the lies she was telling she told our friends that she had paid me all the money I was just trying to get more out of her.

I'm sad that she thought this what she had to do for what ever reason. I'm mad because she was the first really friend that I had made since my divorce. I let her into my life and heart and I paid the price for it. I was granted some peace today. It wasn't anything that happened or anything someone said or even a realization that I cam
to. I just felt clam, at ease, my heart stop aching and a since of peace just washed over me. I like to think that was God sending me some angels with his love. Nice thought, right? His way of reminding me, its ok, everything will be alright. And it will be. This cloud will pass too.


Sunday, July 29, 2012

acoustic neuroma turned Neurofibromatosis type II

When they found my acoustic neuroma, they told me they don't know what causes one person to get and not another. Although this type of tumor makes up 10% of all brain tumors, it is uncommon for a person to have it on both sides. Theses were words that comforted me. I thought there was nearly no chance that I would have a tumor to deal with again. When I was told that they thought they might see something on the other side, I thought that they were mistaken. I mean we are talking about about something the size of millimeter that has to be really hard to really tell on an MRI. Did I tell you I am good a denial?

So, the little bit they didn't tell me when they found my acoustic neuroma was if they found it on the other side it would change my status and I would be considered a neurofibromatosis type II patient. As I write this now, I remember they had said something about genetic disorder that was very rare for people to have it without family history. Must have dismissed it until now. If you would like to see some scary stuff then surf the web for it. (some stuff is tame and some shows worst case)

Neurofibromatosis type II (NF2 for short)is a genetic mutation, not like X-man. No cool powers come with this. Turns out that I never really had acoustic neuromas but they were really schwannomas. Not sure what really makes the difference, but then again I'm not a doctor. I joke that now I'm a mutant. So hard to face, being told that. There was the question as to how I have this. They believe I am a new mutant. the stats I read at the time showed that on 70% of people that are classed as NF2 patients actually test positive for the mutation. Testing positive or not does not change how they treat you.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

knowing ME

I believe very few people really know me. My Family thinks they know me but they only see the side that shows up to family gatherings. There are things that I just haven't shared with them, like my cousins had no idea that my parents did not pay for my college. It wasn't their business, so I didn't share. Recently, my sister let that slip in an argument she was having with one of them. My parents would have happily paid for college and did at first, but I felt that I need to do it on my own because I was free with their money but not some much with my own. Made me more focused on getting my money's worth and passing classes. It's much easier to waste someone else's money and not feel bad about it. Much hard when you are on the line for the loan payments. There is other stuff too. Like health issues. They know the big stuff, cause you shouldn't withhold the big stuff like brain tumors. But the little stuff like blood pressure, sugar imbalances, and monthly cycles, that can be on a need to know bases. I can't think of one good reason to share with your family the detail of your monthly cycles but I know woman out there that it is a complete must to share with every woman they have contact with during that time of the month for them to tell I have cramps. What ever! Woman everywhere go thru this, get over it. I don't know that any of my extend family has ever asked me about my dreams or fears. I have not gone out of my way to share them either.

I tend not to be a sharer. Although my sister says I can not hide my feelings. They are out there for everyone to see, try as I might not to wear my heart on my sleeve.
I am a private person to a degree. I write my stories, tell about my life, but I don't tell anyone I know that I write under this name or that I have a blog. I'm not sure I want them to know or read my stuff. I might not feel as free to write about them. Not much of my writing is about them but who knows what I will want to write about next.

I wrote a piece of music for a music class I am taking. It's simple and sweet. It was intimidating to be assigned to write a piece for class. I was the only one assigned to write a piece and I preform in front of the class (I wasn't given the options to record it and play a recording for the class). Not that the class was big, it's a very small class. the pressure of playing in front of them alone felt huge. I have sang solo's before but I always had a piano player preforming with me and it has been many years since I have preformed for anyone, (I don't count karaoke cause you don't prepare for that you just have a drink and pick a song you think you know.)

acoustic neuroma part 3

Speech therapy wasn't what I thought it would be. There was work with a straw, making faces in a mirror, icing my face. I never thought thats what they would have me do. but I do have to admit that my speech was very slurry, and the therapy seem to work. In addition to the speech therapy exercises, I started seeing a massage therapist that also performed energy work and fascial manipulation. I was having a lot of facial pains and cramping. When I first started to see her, I was going twice a week. I did that for a little over a month. When she worked on me I had relief from pain, at least for a little while, couple of days. She got my eye to close. Granted it didn't close all the way at first, but mirrored the movement I would do with my right eye. A great leap forward. I was so happy. The doctors agreed that it was progress but didn't think it was that note worthy.

I continued to see her once a week for the next year. As she worked on me, I would tell her of how I felt the energy move or my face pull. That's when I became more aware of the energy fields in our bodies. She would hold a few spots on my head doing her energy work or fascial manipulation and I would feel the another spot that I know I just need to touch. And when I would the whole energy thru my head would change. The non-belivers in energy work will call BS here, but me and Grandpa we believe. It one of those things you have to experience to really understand. Pretty cool. Thru her work with me, mouth was able to close tightly enough to hold a mouthful of water, my eye could close all but just a small fraction, I could chew on both sides of my mouth, drink from a glass without a straw. Each felt like this great achievement. The doctors still agreed there was progress, but that it wasn't really something to be excited about.

After a year, I backed off my massage treatments to every other week. I had much less pain and could go longer between visits. My Husband was happy to see me cut back as I had already spent a lot of money on this. To me the progress was priceless. I could almost stand to look at my face again. I still didn't like people to take pictures of me. Vanity, maybe, it's not that I thought I was some knock out before, just everything worked before and now it doesn't and I feel less because of that. I became good about being invisible, and blending into the background. Total opposite to how I was before. I liked preforming and being a the spot light and being in the center of the actions. My sister describes our family as a pack of alpha dogs. Everyone trying to be in charge and center of all action.

Funny thing is none of the people who really knew me seem to even notice that I had changed. Out of sight, out of mind. The one that did notice the change, my husband, welcomed the change. He had grown up in a family, where women were mild mannered, meek, and never out shined the men. Looking back on things, I'm not sure why he ever asked me out, because I wasn't any of those things. He did take this opportunity to change the dynamics of our relationship, by asserting more control.

I woke up one night, with a dream that I was talking to a group about my experience with surgery and recovery. And it felt good, I was breaking some of the tension with jokes, a throw back to when I tried my hand at stand up comedy. When I told my husband about it the next day, his response was "What would you have to say that would be of any value to someone else on the subject?" I came back with that every story has a value and it was just a dream. Why couldn't I do that? I should have realized then that we weren't really on the same side about supporting each others dreams. When he told me that his dream had been to be in the military, I supported that dream and encouraged him to go for it so he would not have that as a regret. When he wanted to join a band and enter a band contest I supported him in that. I will give you he did support my art and spent many nights with me as I painted a mural and couple of long hot days as I did chalk drawing on pavement. I have a degree in art so, it wasn't like I was trying something that I had no idea if I would be good at or that I might not like doing. It's funny how you can see all the signs looking back, but you completely miss them as you are living it.

About a year and half after surgery, I had an MRI to check what was going on in my head and to see if they had gotten all of the tumor. The area of on the left, seemed to have lots of scar tissue and they decided that they would like to watch it more closely than they normally would with repeat MRI every year for at least five years and at that point if everything looked good, then they would back off to every three years for repeat MRI, as this tumor type is slow growing. My scan at year two looked about the same as year one, a good amount of scar tissue. When I went for my 3rd year scan, I expect to be told the same thing again. What they told me, there is still the scar tissue on the left, but we think we something on the right and will continue to monitor you yearly beyond the five year mark.

Shortly after this my husband announced he wanted a divorce. Although, he stated that my appearance (stroke victim)had nothing to do with it, I don't completely believe that. If my face had be functioning normally, I would not have withdrawn from life and would not have battled depression. It was hard to take him claiming that he wasn't sure why he had every asked me to marry him in the first place, (maybe he could have come to this realization before we had spent 10 years married) other than I had shown him more love and support in the year we knew each other before he proposed than his family had shown him in his life time.

After he left, it became old hat for me to go to my MRI appointments and doctor appointments alone. As a grown adult, you feel silly asking your Mom and Dad to go with you. At my MRI on the seventh year, the doctors told me that there really is something on the right side and now is the time to decide what I want to do about it. I was alone when I got the news and held it together long enough to get out of the doctors office. I had planned to go back to work after my appointment, but I just couldn't face it right away. I stopped stop have lunch. I cried at lunch and all the way back to work. Another brain tumor, more choices to be made and this time I am alone, no one at home talk this over with.


Thursday, July 19, 2012

Acoustic Neuroma part 2

God answered my prayers. I survived the surgery. What the surgeons found once inside my head was a different than what they expected. Normal acoustic neuroma grow as one blob filling the cannel. Being special, like my dad has always told me, my acoustic neuroma grew like a wad of spaghetti that has been twirled around a fork, or in this case my facial and hearing nerves. They made attempts to document the tumor uniqueness with photos, but the cameras they had in the surgery suite would not work right, even though they had been tested before hand. The surgery lasted longer than normal as they had to un-tangle the mass of tumor from my nerves. The one request that I had made of surgeons was to do what they could to save what was left of my hearing. They respected my request and did what they could.

There were side effects from the surgery and the process taken to remove the tumor. My facial nerve was stretched but still in tack. I looked like I had a stroke. The whole left side of my face did not work. My eye would not close when I tried to close it. I could not keep my lips together. I couldn't smile, or chew food, or even drink from a glass. Of all things I could have prayed for I prayed to survive. Why didn't I think about the state I would be surviving in?

It was too much for my husband to take. He stayed the first night with me but as soon as my parents showed up the next day he took off. He went back to work and spent as little time with me at the hospital as possible. At the time I never gave any thought to how it must have been for him to have to look at me like that. I could just avoid looking mirrors or keep people from taking my picture and I could pretend that my face still worked, but he could not. Me sitting across the table from him was a constant reminder. He never said but I think it might have been heartbreaking to look at me.

As expected, they had cut my balance nerve to remove the tumor. My brain then had to figure out that one balance center was no longer sending information, until it adjusted itself to this fact my world was spinning. I was on bed rest for the first 24 hours, being a fall risk they didn't want me up until my brain had started to make the adjustment. The doctors drug of choice was morphine. I had never had it before as they do not give it to you when you have your tonsil removed. It was an interesting experience. The nurse gave me my first dose in the IV port in my left arm. As the morphine went up my arm it burned slightly, when it made it to my heart and lungs I found it very hard to breath and my heart was racing as fast as I had ever experienced. This tightness in my chest and a racing heart beat seemed to go on for several minutes. I thought that this was the normal reaction to it, and that why some get addicted to it cause they like that intense feel of impending death. (isn't that the reason people jump out of perfectly good airplanes?) I decided then that the pain in my head from the surgery wasn't that bad and I would only take the morphine again, if I couldn't stand it anymore. I think that I had only 2 more doses after that, a nurse finally notice that I was having trouble breathing as she pushed them morphine and asked for different pain meds for me. I know now that I was have an allergic reaction to the morphine, but I did not make the connection then.

My brain made the switch to just one balance nerve pretty quickly. I was released from the hospital on the third day. the ride home from the hospital was a bit scary, but I didn't get sick. Over the next few weeks my Mom came and stayed with me during the day so my husband could go to work. We sat and visited mostly, be we did get out and do some walking. Exception of my face I was recovering well. I stayed out of work my full 6 weeks. I had made adjustments to how I did stuff. like I would drink from a straw instead of the glass, holding the side of my month that didn't work together with my fingers. I put eye gel in my eye to keep it wet. I stop wearing my contacts, because you can't really see clearly thru the gel. As I said I stopped looking in mirrors, so had lulled myself into denial, or maybe that is marched myself into denial.

My first day back at work, one of my co-works as he saw me for the first time said, "What the heck happen to you?" my response was "brain surgery". His response, "I know that but what happen to your face?"

My family and friends had aided my in my denial, as each one would say its not that bad, you can hardly tell, If you didn't know your face you could pass for normal. I love them, but they lie. I know this because I had seen my face, but didn't want to face it. My left eye didn't close and when I blinked my right eye the left would roll back up in my head seeking shelter. As for the rest of my face, I look like botox job gone wrong, no worries of wrinkles and nothing moved.

The surgeons told me that there was a chance the nerve would come back in the mean time they sent me to speak and physical therapy. I was one step away from mush mouth.

Thinking bigger

This past Sunday, a friend of mine texted me and asked me if I wanted to join her for church. Something she has never done on a Sunday morning. I replied with Yes. I haven't been to church in a few months. I am currently between home churches and not actively searching for a new one. As Life goes, there is seems to be other things that make it to the top of the list before finding a new home church, that's not an excuse just the facts.

"Thinking Bigger" was the theme of the lesson. I took two pages of notes during the lesson. So many of the things said were hitting home. I don't wish to steal the teaching, but I do wish to share some of my thoughts on and echoes of the lesson I had heard other places but didn't put them together.

The human condition, for the most part we are asleep in our lives. Going thru the motions that it takes to survive daily life, with less of a plan of whats next and where else we could take our lives but more of trying to explain what has already taken place and why. Like asking ourselves, why does bad stuff happen to me? As we are looking back at all the stuff that has already happen our focus is not on our next step. It is much like trying to drive your car forward while looking out the back window or rearview mirror. Bad stuff will happen.

WAKE UP!

The past is the past and you can't change it. Know that if you have been asleep in your life, that the stuff from the past happen because you and those around you were not focus on the next step but caught up in looking back.

The old saying that you can't go home again. Is very much true. Once you have been there it will never be the same. You can't recapture it and you can't relive it.

There is no reverse gear in life, let the past be the past and move FOWARD!

You don't have to repeat your mistakes. Choose to turn around, face forward and plan your next step.

In the movie, "Meet the Robinsons" there is a motto the dad uses "Keep moving forward". Even though we grow up we don't seem to keep moving forward. Stuck in a mind set that this is as good as it gets. The thing is, it gets as good as we expect it to be. If you expectation are low then that is what you get.

Think bigger! My thoughts of the future before this sunday is I am faced with a life time of going thru the motions to survive. "the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off." (I read that in a comic or something, can't remember where, but I know its not mine) Some little things to hope for, but as a grand life plan that i am working on not so much. I never stopped to ask myself why aren't you worth a bigger better plan than just surviving this life.

As God creation, I have an assignment, as do each of us. Our soul's assignment is to fully express all that God has created us to be.

I don't know about you but I didn't come with a packing slip that listed my parts and all the things I was created for. So, there seems to be some self discovery that needs to happen for each of us. Dream big, try everything in your power to make your dreams come true. Make a plan, keep moving forward, the only really failure is not trying. Stay awake and live deliberately. Let the past go and look to a new future.

THIS IS YOUR LIFE DON'T WASTED

Are you living your very best life?

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Acoustic Neuroma -part 1

It was late September when I went to my family doctor complaining of an ear ache. This was the third time I had been to see him since the beginning of summer for this very same issue. He looked in my ears and told me he saw no signs of infection, gave me yet another script for antibiotics and sent me on my way after spending less than five minutes with me. The drugs did not cure me, or relieve the ear pain. I decided that I need to find a doctor who would listen to me and help fix this pain in my ear. After reviewing a list of doctors that took my insurance, I selected a new family doc for myself.

On my first visit, I bought him a complete copy of my medical history (a good idea when changing doctors) I told him of how I had been to my former doctor 3 times and had not gotten any relief from my ear pain. He looked at my ears, and agreed he did not see any infection that would be causing my ear pain, but wanted me to do one more round of antibiotics to be sure. I took that drugs and came back to see him in two weeks. We talked about pain and the ringing that I realized I was hearing. I was sent to an ENT, who took a full medical history from me and did hearing test, and electrode(it has a real name but I can't remember it) test among others. The hearing test showed I had about 15% hearing loss of high frequency in my left ear (the ear I was having pain in). The electrode test results showed I tested positive for meniere's disease. Since sometime you get a false positive on the electrode test, I was sent for a MRI to rule that out.

It turned out that it was a false positive on the Menier's disease. The MIR revealed a 1.5cm acoustic Neuroma on the left side of my brain, in that little canal that the hearing, balance, and facial nerve leave the skull. Not really the news I was hoping for. The ENT doctor gave me a brief over view of what an acoustic neuroma was and the numbers of two of the top surgeons in Kansas City area to do this kind of work. He also gave me the number of one of the best radiologist in the area. I set up appointments with both the surgeons and the radiologist. I went to the internet and searched for more information. I wanted to have as much information as I could when I went to see the specialist.

For those that have never been referred to a specialist, sometimes it can take weeks or months to get in to see them, especially if you condition is not life threatening. They do not consider acoustic neuroma's life threatening. It was end of December before I could get in to see the 1st specialist. The radiologist was first. He told me how they would take pictures of my brain and design a series treatments to kill the tumor. He told me that there would be a 50/50 chance I would lose facial movement and a 90% chance I would lose my hearing. He also told me that he could not say with 100% certainty that radiation would kill all of the tumor but there is a 99% success rate. Which is pretty good. There would be no leave of absent from work needed. They would do the treatments over the course of a few weeks and I would only take a few hours each week. My husband was sold that this is the way I should go. It sounded good, but I wasn't sold. I still wanted to talk to the surgeons.

The first surgeon I met with was the ENT. He explained that surgery would be a tag team event between himself and the brain surgeon. That they would shave about 1/3 of my head around my ear, make a cut in front of my ear and up the side of my head, pull the skin and muscles back and cut a square in my skull bone and remove it. Then they would lift/move my brain to one side so they can get to the bone that makes the canal than holds the acoustic neuroma and the hearing, balance, and facial nerve. (The tumor actually grows on the balance nerve but the hearing never is usually were you find signs of the damage first.) They would chip a hole in the bone of the canal and go in after the tumor. They would snip the balance nevre on each side of the tumor and remove the whole tumor at once. The would be a small amount of fat from my belly and pack it around where they remove the tumor and close my head back up. I would need to be off work for up to 6 weeks. They told me there would be a 50/50 chance that I would loose all of my hearing and 50/50 I would loose my facial nerve. 99% success rate with surgery as well. I met with the brain surgeon. He said pretty much the same as the ENT surgeon.

My gut feeling about the tumor treatment was to go for the surgery. I just didn't set well me the idea of radiation. In spite of the history that radiation works, it seem to me like magic and leap of faith that something you can't touch or see, could work. With surgery, the tumor would be gone, no if, ands, or but. No faith needed there would be proof that it was dead and gone. The draw back would be 6 weeks off work, shaved head, and recover from surgery. A trade off with it to be rid of the tumor for good. My husband did not like the idea of surgery but in the end agreed it was my body and I should have final say as to what treatment I receive.

Sometimes when faced with the knowledge that you have a tumor, you might get mad or angry and cry out "God, why me?" Strangely enough I didn't go thru this. What i did go thru is putting my world in in order, Am I ready to die and what do I want to do with my things or what do I want to do for my family and friends if this is how I am going to die. (The tumor itself was not life threatening but surgery comes with a risk) You would think that if i was so afraid of death from surgery that I would have gone for the radiation. I knew radiation was not the treatment for me, so I focused on surviving the surgery. That's what I prayed for everyday. "Please God let me survive, let this not be the end of my life." I could have prayed to be tumor free but did not. I accepted that I had a tumor, and that the only way it would go away is treatment (surgery or radiation).

I don't know how or why my faith become so limited. Ask and you shall receive, Claim it and it is yours.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Island of misfit toys

I feel I really belong on the island of misfit toys. I am broken, damage and no longer in normal working order. My guess is that others might fill this way too. It will take someone very special to be understanding of my faults and that although I look strong, I am fragile. I want to be ok. To be able to let go of this damage, pain and broken heart. It has been suggested to me that in order to move forward in my life I have to release the anger, acknowledge the hurts, damages and even a broken heart, greave the loss and forgive.

I have been stuck so long in the anger stage, it has become my trusted friend. It's an easy feeling to live with, just a little fanning and you get flames. Flames that fuel you to move, to talk about and bill walls so no one can hurt me again. Maybe part of the reason I haven't moved passed the anger, is I would have to admit I was present for all the injustice against me. I let it happen by not objecting to it. Never mind that at the time could not see the injustices and the spin that was put on it was just right. It might be that I'm angry at him for treating me the way he did but also angry with myself for letting it happen.

I hurt so bad already I think acknowledging and feeling the hurt and broken heart might be more than I can take. To look at each of my wounds, how deep he cut me, and how I am letting those scares effect my approach to life and interaction with other people. I have been holding that pain at arms length, I have acted strong because I had to. There was no one that I could truly lean on for strength and support. Once I go down the rabbit hole, How do I get out?

Even if I let go of my anger and acknowledge the hurt, forgiveness is a huge thing. Apparently, I did not truly understand forgiveness. I recently heard that forgive is not for the person who committed the offense but for the person who had the offense committed on. So, the forgiveness I need to seek is from me for me. I have to forgive myself: for choosing the path that lead to so much hurt; for allowing myself to put up with it in the name of love; for believe what he said was the truth. The list goes on and on. How do you start to forgive yourself for the offenses of others? I don't know.

If that's what it takes to feel normal and un-damaged, I don't know that I will reach that state...I guess me and the other misfits will have to find a way to love each other as we are.

The sign that greets new comers to the island...

Welcome Misfits, if you have not been gently used, or treated with care, have flaws or damage beyond repair. Let this island be your new home.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Prophets

I was in the bath as the song played, "...I don't practice sangria, don't got no crystal ball..." The thought comes to me that members of my family that are christian would put you down or tell you that you are going to hell for having or working with a crystal ball. It is my belief that many christians share this view. Why is it that fortune telling is no longer embraced? There are stories through out the Bible of prophets for telling of things to come. Isn't that what it prophet means? Why was it ok for them and not for us? Did I miss the memo from God, that stated there will never be another prophet? Why is it bad?

Side thought: The Bible is a great starting point for Christians, but hasn't there been things in the last 2000 years of so that should have been recorded and shared. I find it funny that each region has its own starting book but no continuing books that are agreed upon across the board by all of that faith. Each have there one or two universal agreed upon truths and the rest depends on what sub group you talk with. For instance, some baptist believe dancing is a sin.

Do I believe there can be false prophets? Yes, but that does not mean that all prophets are. I believe true fortune telling is a gift from God. I don't believe that the devil has the same power as God. In my mind only God can give gifts. The Devil can twist someone with a gift until they do the work of evil with their gift. Fine line and splitting hairs I know. Someone with the gift can bring hope and guidance to the lost or lead them further away from God. The beautiful thing is we all have a choice, about everything. Options aren't always what we want, but there is always a choice to be made.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

The Me I once knew

I miss the me I once knew
Carefree, impulsive, free spirited soul
Fearless and strong
In my world world no bigger than a fish bowl

Never satisfied with my small space
Seeing the edges and bounders I knew
I pushed past the limits
I watched as my world grew

It grew so fast and so big
things were out of control
I was have asleep when
I found myself playing a new role

Funny how I could miss myself
we are together all the time
It comes from people pulling and pushing
telling me my line.

One day, I woke up as a stranger
I'm looking for some help
to find the me I once knew
I want her for myself

Suddenly things were strange
I found myself in the sea
With each wave that came in
Out went a little piece of me

Replaces piece by piece
I found a new me in my place
Scared, depressed and closed down
Was that brownie laced?

People thought they still knew me
I want to call the FBI
They would know the truth of
Who could have stolen the me inside?

Funny how I could miss myself
we are together all the time
It comes from people pulling and pushing
telling me my line

Clean the house
Watch your mouth
Give to others
Meet your new brothers
Was the car
Get out of that bar

One day I woke up as a stranger
I'm looking for some help
to find the me I once knew
And to keep her for myself.

What does enough feel like?

I wonder what being enough would feel like. That when I showed up, I was enough. If there where no "if only"s there to point out how much I am not enough. Lets face it most days I am not enough for myself (that inner critic is always there to point it out), So how can I expect to be enough for someone else.

I recently posted this on my a social media site, where my friends and family began to tell me how Wonderful I am and how not to let others opinions make me think negative thoughts. For me it wasn't about being upset that someone else pointed out flaws or short comings or even negative thoughts of my own about me. It is about this desire to know what being enough feels like. What does that stillness feel like? What does that confidence feel like? I don't know what other feelings come with the feeling of enough but I am sure there are more than just those two.

My "Monkey brain" seems to be going a mile a minute all the time. When I lay down at night to go to sleep, my mind replays the day and then adds in things I should have done differently. Sometimes two or three options per situation. I have trouble sleeping as my "Monkey brain" is over active. I call it monkey brain as it seem to me it's like watching the monkeys at the zoo, at one end of the inclosure one moment and then at the other the next and back again. Suppose it could be "dog brain" and every new thought is a squirrel that needs to be chased. At any rate, mind runs a lot, in fact if my body ran like my mind I would be lean and strong. My "monkey brain" also likes to think, over analyze what's coming up tomorrow, and what needs to be done.

I was looking for a word or group of words to really describe it, and the only thing that keeps popping in is "fear". Fear is a big plague and I am sad to say, a controller of me more than I like. The fear of not being enough, drives me to try harder. I don't want to be seen as someone not carrying her own weight, so I'll take on more than I should or need to. Afraid that someone will look at me and say, "Who does she think she is fooling?" Most days it is me and my monkey brain telling me that I need to be more (as if trying to be more will make the fear go away). Think of when you where a child and feared something like monsters in the closet or under the bed or thunder and lighting that came with storms. Even when the adults would turn on the lights and look under the bed or in the closet with you, it did not make the fear less. it changed the fear from being afraid of monster to be afraid that the adult would tell you how silly you were for being afraid of stuff the proved was not there already,or fear of no being a big kid in their eyes, or some other kind of fear. Alas that is where I am at. So desperate for someone to notice that I am good and do what I should and i carry my load, living in fear that all my efforts are not enough.

I do yoga for many reasons but one is to quite my mind. there are days yoga helps me with this and there are those days my monkey brain is not giving up without a fight. Somedays mediation works and somedays not so much. This fight is internal for me. I try not to care what others think of me. I don't alter my appearance to impress (make up, fine close or the latest hair styles) and I don't need that to feel good about myself.

I what to know what enough feels like. I want to feel at peace when I go to bed at night. That what I did today was enough. That my inner critic for once was quite, well maybe not totally quite. I want my inner critic to say to me "Well done, you could not have done that better" and then it could be quite.

Maybe then I would sleep.

Friday, May 4, 2012

What if the story of the tower of Babel was missing some key pieces?

The story in the christian bible is very short, not even a full chapter on it, just 9 verses lacking in real detail. You can tell there were no reports/historians there that day. What if when the people were made to talk different languages, that part of the history/truth about God and us was lost? Each language only remembering part of the truth, and that which they could not remember was erased from their records of history.

What if in each of the world religions there is a truth about God we are suppose to know? Even in the non-religion of the atheists. And in knowing these truths, is the only true way to God.

What if what God wants from us is find the truths, find a way to link the truths, and unite the world without deleting any religion? That would mean no religion is better than another but also that no religion got it all correct either. could the world survive this? Would the world religious leaders and the world leaders be able to wrap their minds around this concept and bring about this unity?

The problem is from inside a religion it all sounds like it is the truth, from stories of miracles, to the basic laws. If you have been raised in a religion it is had to put aside that pre-exposser. From outside all religion, its had to believe all the stories and claims of Gods work. Does the same story being past down for generation after generation make it the truth? or just a poplar story? Many fractions of Christianity, broke off in their new direction because someone decided that the word should be interpreted differently than it had been.

So, where do you begin to find the truths? And how many truths are there? I don't know. What I do know is that most religions are there to remind us we are not alone, we where put here for a purpose, there is a higher meaning, and we can find it if we look for it. What I would take from an atheists point of view, everything you need is inside of you.

Lord if you are reading this, please don't take offense, I mean no disrespect. I just believe that you might have wanted us to work harder than we are to make our connection with you. It seems odd to me that you would take such care to design the millions of living creatures and plants on this earth, but only provide one group of people with truth about having a connection and enternal life with you. You know the dark one is cunning, and had you giving all the truth to just one group, he would have found ways to eliminate them, distort the truth or destroy their credibility. To me it just would make sense that you would, spread the truths around. We are still discovering some of the creatures and plants of this world, pretty arrogant of us to think we have spiritual life all nailed down.


I was just wondering.